Headcrab Lovin'
by Charlett
Summary: The day can't come fast enough. Barney wants to hang out with Gordon Freeman, kick back, have a beer, and do 'manly' things. But a little headcrab has other ideas in mind...


This story comes from my brother and a pet my sister picked up. There was a cute little stray puppy she found that had mange and ate feces to LIVE. But my sister loved him so she gave Dad puppy dog eyes and the puppy gave puppy dog eyes and we kept the puppy.

And my brother hated the dog and the dog LOVED HIM. No one knows why. So it kinda reminded me of Lamarr and Barney.

Also, it was my brother who played the original Half Life for me when I was little and dumb, so I needed to give him a little credit in my stories. Thanks, Brother, for being so kind!

ALSO, I couldn't find a place in the story where Lamarr, Barney, Alyx and Gordon are all together, aside from the very beginning of HL2, during "A Red Letter Day". It's so easy to put them together in art, but I really wanted to keep the canon feel in my writings. I didn't want to make it a slight AU, but I ended up doing it for the sake of... doing it. I just changed the fact that they already set up the teleporter to "Alyx procured the item, but it hadn't been installed yet". I guess it won't screw up the canon time line TOO much, right?

ALSOALSO: I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with Gordon here. To Speak, or not to Speak? So far, I'm giving him a silent protagonist look, because I'm not sure where I want to go with him as a character. I've worked with silent protagonists before and I THINK I do well at making them funny and/or nice to read, despite being mute, but if I ever get the itching to write a pairing or he says something that the "Player" would say, I MAY have to make him speak.

But for now, MUTED.

So I dunno, is Barney okay here? Maybe I made him leak out a little of my bro's personality here? I dunno?

BUT ANYWAY;

READ ON!

--

"Oh god, the end of the day can't come fast enough!" Barney Calhoun said angrily as he removed his mask and practically tossed it away from him. Dr. Isaac Kleiner's lab was safe and out of the way, which was probably why Dr. Gordon Freeman was sitting comfortably in the place, attempting to put on his last boot while reading what appeared to be the most boring shit Barney could think of, "Yo, Gordon! Don't tell me you're just going to sit around while the doctor sets the teleportation device up? Sure, it's not entirely finished, but it almost is, and I didn't give you permission to sulk! Come on, I still owe you that beer, right? Let's head out together. I promise I won't beat you any."

Gordon Freeman tapped his boot to affix it to its location on his foot, and he looked at his friend, blinking lightly from behind his glasses, "Well…" Barney muttered, "Maybe a LITTLE, but only to make it seem realistic, right? A few whacks and no one'll suspect you!"

Gordon's face didn't so much as twitch. Barney sighed; he used to be able to make the man smile in any situation, but now… "Look, Gordon, you don't look so well. You're like in this other world or something. Come on, we can just hang in here. Let me go grab a beer from outside and we can kick back in here. Just the two of us. Just like old times."

"Hey Gordon!" Barney twitched lightly. Alyx Vance, the spunky and adorable, fiery (but still somehow feminine) young daughter of Dr. Eli Vance smiled at her new friend, "Hey Gordon, how are you holding up? Doing well?"

Gordon moved his swivel chair to address Alyx. She smiled down on the man, and Barney realized something strange as hell. Two decades had passed, and Gordon didn't look a day older. Hell, Alyx looked practically his age now.

…He ran his hand through his hair. It was all still there, right? God, he was getting older by the minute and all around him, everyone was so vibrant…

He should keep hanging around with Dr. Isaac, that aughta make him feel young.

"So what have you two been talking about?" Alyx asked. She leaned on the desk and Barney stepped back to give her more room, "Some advanced science or something? You should really listen to Doctor Freeman, Barney. I'm sure he knows tons of things that you probably don't even understand."

"Oh yeah, sure," Barney replied, rolling his eyes as he picked up a clipboard and looked over his beating quota. Still needed seventeen by the end of the month… "The most I've seen this guy do is flip a switch or two. I can see his MIT education really pays for itself." The civil protection officer ignored the look that his friend shot him and continued, "Anyway, Alyx, we were talking about manly things. You probably wouldn't be interested."

"Manly things?" Alyx hissed, turning to face the officer. Gordon suddenly found the computer incredibly interesting, "Are you saying that there are some things women can't do?"

"I'm saying there are some things that women aren't interested in," Barney said matter-of-factly, "Wait there, Doc, I'm going get us a drink and we'll talk about manly things together. You should probably sit this meeting out, Alyx. You're a little too young for these manly conversations."

"Manly? Just what's manly about YOU, you egotistical jerk? Ohhh, I could just…" Alyx groaned and crossed her arms, "You know what? This isn't even helping anything. I'll just go see what Dr. Kleiner needs done so we can get that device working and see Dad again. No thanks to you and your MANLY conversations!" She practically spat on the man and stormed from the room, returning to the teleportation room.

"Jeez, maybe I shouldn't have said 'manly' so many times…" Barney murmured, a light smile on his face from his previous teasings. He turned to Gordon, and the scientist gave him a look that said that Barney should probably apologize to her, "Alright! Alright, I'll tell her I'm sorry! Jeez… I don't know what it is between you two though; she's not YOUR daughter." The officer then pointed an accusing finger at the doctor, "And what's up with you, anyway? It's like, every woman you've ever met has been all over you! Remember Dr. Cross? I was the one checking her out! You didn't have to step in and make her start eyeing YOU."

Gordon looked fairly oblivious to the rant as Barney continued, "…I was afraid to let Lauren meet you for fear that she'd start going out with you! Yeah, THAT worked out just peachy! What is it with you and women, anyway? It's like, you're some sort of chick magnet!"

There was a screech, and Gordon stared at Barney as he screamed bloody murder. A Headcrab had sailed from the ceiling and landed perfectly on the man's head. Barney flailed angrily, "God DAMN it! Get it off! Gordon, get this thing OFF of me!" The physicist did indeed stand, but there was no weapon handy to pry the creature from his friend's head.

He prepared to make due with his hands, but a familiar doctor came into view at that moment, "Lamarr! Oh Lamarr, THERE you are!" Dr. Isaac proclaimed with delight, "Oh Lamarr, come to Daddy!" The Headcrab leaped off of Barney's head at her master's voice and sailed back up to the rafters, "Oh Lamarr!" Dr. Isaac cried, "Lamarr, please come back!"

Alyx smiled brightly at the flustered state of her enemy as she entered through the doorway, accompanying Dr. Isaac, "Damnit, Doc, I TOLD you!" Barney shouted as the doctor searched around for his pet, "One more time and I'm going to plug that thing full of so many holes…"

"Oh you'll do no such thing, Barney," Dr. Isaac said dismissively, "Lamarr, come down from there! Oh fie… where did she go?"

"Hopefully straight to Hell."

"Now now, Barney, you should be happy," Dr. Isaac said. Barney wondered if the "Good" doctor had gone mad, "Lamarr likes you."

"And that would make me happy, how?"

"You really do know nothing about her, do you?" the doctor said with a small shake of his head, "Lamarr's species hunts down and locates the strongest available host it can find and attempts to couple with the host. To Lamarr, you are the most viable candidate; it should also be noted that she hasn't paid Freeman one glance since he's arrived."

"So in other words…" Alyx said, a smirk creeping up on her lips, "Lil' Lamarr's got a crush on Barney because he's the strongest looking guy in the lab right now?"

"I think that's the only woman I'd be GLAD if she went after Gordon. God, the freaking head humper's been after me for HOW long?" Barney hissed.

"Don't worry, Barney!" Alyx explained with a smile, trying very, VERY hard not to laugh, "at least now girls are beginning to notice your inherent manliness!"

Barney frowned, his lips pressed together so hard that they were turning white. He opened his mouth to speak and yell at his fellow renegade, but stopped when he saw Gordon Freeman, still sitting in his swivel chair.

He was smirking at Alyx's joke.

It was the first time Barney had seen his friend smile since he was picked up at the train station.

Barney changed his tune and smiled back at Alyx, "Well, you know, if she's the one after me, then I guess I'm going to leave it up to her to buy the ring! Can't afford a wedding on a grunt's salary, you know!"

Alyx immediately burst into laughter, and her contagious smile spread to Dr. Isaac and Gordon; the latter's face was beaming. Barney could always get Gordon to smile, the lout, no matter what the situation. It still rung true, even after decades of them being apart.

He decided to let that little joke be his apology to Alyx.

--

Hope you guys enjoyed it!


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